I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
