I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
