She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
