That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
