It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Randomize
