i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I will be naked everywhere
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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