I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
