I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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