he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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