I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
