my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
