Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
