Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
