I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize