Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
