She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
where am i from again
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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