half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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