No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
This is my gift to your gina
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
