the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
