is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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