i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
