I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
