Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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