george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
