I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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