the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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