she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
