Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
