your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
