I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
