My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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