Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
