I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
