I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
not ubering you a puppy
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
