I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you