I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
is it fun? or sober?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
