Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it was like eating out sand paper
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?