i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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