I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
