Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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