Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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