And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
