I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
