PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
