Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize