I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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