Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
