I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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