I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I bet he comes in French.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
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I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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