K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need water and some morals
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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