I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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