she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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