He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize