News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
