It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
