Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
