Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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