the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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