Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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