If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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