Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
