I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
